We have had some very good developments this week, and some very bad ones. First, Pookie now gets himself on and off the bus alone. I wait on the front porch. I used to follow him on to the bus and make sure he sat down and buckled up, then on the way home, I would get ont eh bus to make sure he remembered to bring his backpack off the bus and did not lolly-gag getting off. It was working, but our plan was to move him to total bus independence by the end of Kindergarten, meaning that I would not approach the bus, just watch from the porch (the bus stops at the end of our driveway.)
The bus driver is a very nice woman and she gently told me how well he does getting on and off the bus at school (meaning the times I am not there). She said when they get to school, he never forgets his backpack as he gets off the bus and when they come home, he gets on, he sits down, buckles up and waits patiently. So…..that meant it was time for me to take a step back at home, let him spread his wings a bit. I told the driver I was just worried that if he did not buckle up or if he was painfully slow in getting on/off the bus, it woudl mess up her route timing. She said “Phhbbt! Don’t worry about me.” So, now I wait on the porch and he does it all by himself. Then the driver shoots me a “thumbs-up” and off they go. It was quite a big deal, but I am not sure Pookie knows it. He is just “whatever Mom” about stuff like that. But I am proud of him.
I am NOT proud of him for his other development this week. He has been writing on the furniture at school and tearing paper. He did it (literally) 10 times on Wednesday last week. He got a naughty note. When he got home, I made him sit down and write “I will not write on the furniture. I will not tear paper. I am sorry Mrs. Teacher. XO Love Pookie.” He started, but would get halfway thru and then tear the paper. So we would start again. It took him 4 tries to get it done. Crying the whole time. He understands that the behavior is wrong. He expects to be punished. So, actually punishing him is sometimes the wrong answer. Making him write it out seemed like a good idea. It worked a little….he only wrote on the furniture 4 times on Thursday. He did not get a naughty note on Friday but that might be because they had a Valentines Party and maybe the teacher gave them all amnesty or just ran out of time to write the naughty notes.
He did write on my living room wall Friday afterschool, however. He came up to me and said something about “Its not easy to not be writing on the walls.” He was making complete focused eye contact. Like a staring contest. Then he slowly backs down the hall, obviously wanting me to follow him. I did, and then I saw it. Again, he knows its naughty and expects to be punished. Its a confusing thing for BAGD and I because we have to be careful not to play into his hand. We cannot give him the response he wants, because then he will do it again. So, I made him clean it up and then sit down and write it out again. We have not used that “punishment” much, so its not something he expects, it breaks the pattern in his head. It allows BAGD and I to step out of the pre-determined script that he has written in his head, for how this act and punishment is going to go. But, of course, he will come to expect the writing someday too. Then we will have to mix it up. During the milk spilling phase, I shocked him once by, instead of bringing towels to clean up the mess, I ripped his favorite Goofy T-shirt off his chest and made him use that.
The point is that the naughty behavior is rarely just childhood mischief, it usually means something to him. It is either a script he is acting out in his head, or something he is doing as a means of communicating (he takes an action, we take an action, its non verbal communication). If its a script, we are often powerless to stop it. He has to finish them. He has to repeat them. If its a means of communicating, we have to act quickly and figure out what it means (I am hungry, I am mad, I am tired). If we respond with the wrong answer and a punishment, then we have just created a new script. See the cycle? And you thought all kids needed was sunshine and hugs to grow. This is alot harder than it looks people. Trust me.
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I wish I had some helpful words, but I don’t other than to tell you that I think you are doing a great job. I love the writing the apology to the teacher…it sounds like he gets it if he was crying and ripping paper while he was doing it, but I don’t know.
I wonder if writing on furniture/walls/etc is a response to having to get on and off the bus by himself? I mean, don’t get me wrong, that is the right thing to do, but I have seen kids go to pieces because their parent picked them up in a different car! Kids are so funny about change, and sometimes I don’t think that they even realize exactly what is upsetting them.
Thanks Rachel. One thing we have known for 6 years is that he goes thru a rough patch right before he does something amazing. Its very predictable. BAGD pointed out that his language is much better this week. More pronouns, longer sentences, more complex thoughts, etc. So, maybe that is it. Its not easy being his parent, but I know its not easy being him either. I can see it in his eyes, he looks at us as if he is just screaming “come on! You know what I am talking about, right? right? You know what I want, I just cannot find a way to say it.”
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