Recently, we met a woman who also has an autistic child. In the course of conversation, it came out that this other child, we’ll call him Big Red, rarely leaves home because of how he “behaves.” Now, we do not know this boy, but it sounds like he behaves like most autistic children, sometimes inappropriate, sometimes naughty, sometimes loud, sometime just plain comical because they make their own fun wherever they go. Big Red does not get to go to the grocery store; he does not take soccer at the rec center. He does not visit the library; he does not go on playdates. We got the impression that Big Red may or may not like to do these things, that was not the point. The point was that his Mom won’t let him, because of the reaction she gets, or fears she will get. That saddens me.
I dare anyone to tell me the Pookie is being too loud at the library. I dare them to tell me that he cannot take “regular” swimming lessons at the rec center. He just needs and aide to help him, then he does fine. I dare the grumpy middle-aged couples at Chili’s to get up the nerve to tell me that Pookie is too old to be bouncing in his chair like that and ought to pipe down. I dare some nosy mother whose little angel potty trained at 24 months to tell me that he is too old for accidents and the occasional pull-up. He does the best he can in each and every situation, and that is all we ask of him. So, shut up and mind your own business.
There are days when I am so riled up, feeling so stressed out by the pressures of parenting that I would go looking for this fight. Woe to the person who dares cross my path with some uncompassionate, insensitive remark or dirty look on those days. Even if I like you, if you ask me how my “autistic son” is doing on those days, I’ll probably say fine and ask how your “ugly daughter” is doing. Pookie does not need the extra burden of your labels. Sometimes I have these imaginary conversations in my head, where I yell at the people who I think are close to making these remarks. Its like free therapy for me. It reminds me that I would defend Pookie to my last breath.
I am not very religious but isn’t there a whole list of Bible verses that say something about this? “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” and things like that? What about “Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.” If you dare tell me that my son is an inconvenience to society or makes you uncomfortable in public places, then you had better have no skeletons in your closet. Is there anyone among us who can make that claim?
***As a footnote, A word of thanks and acknowledgment to all those people in society who do understand. We have met alot. The lady at the pet store who lets us pet the puppies even though we will never buy one and Pookie looks terrified, yet excited the whole time. Emily the lifeguard who helps Pookie in his swim class. The bus driver who said a little pee on the seat was no big deal. The grandfatherly man who only smiled when Pookie pushed all the elevator buttons, making it stop on EVERY floor on the way to our destination. The bank teller who listens patiently while Pookie practices his “can I have a lollipop please.” The mother of Geetle’s Thursday playdate friend who always invites Pookie to join them on his days off of school. And Geetle herself, who thinks if a girl has to have a brother, Pookie is a good one. The message above obviously does not apply to you. You rock.
moonablaze said,
August 4, 2007 @ 6:25 pm
once again, I wish all “special needs” children had parents like you and beagooddad. you give Pookie the extra help he needs, without limiting him because of those requirements. Instead of thinking he’s “bad” or “messed up” in some way, he’ll grow up knowing he’s loved and can do anything his sister can, just sometimes in a different way.
Mel said,
August 5, 2007 @ 9:45 am
Thanks for this post you write so well.
We all need a little reminder about tolerance from time to time. If we see more parents like you we’re bound to have our attitudes challenged….and change will come.
The Hottest Stuff On The Internet! | GNMParents - Parenting Tips, News, Discussions, And Diatribes said,
August 7, 2007 @ 12:46 pm
[…] A Good Mom wrote a passionate expression of her feelings on how people respond to her son. This one’s not to be […]
Stu Mark said,
August 7, 2007 @ 12:47 pm
This post has been nominated by our readers at http://www.gnmparents.com for Hot Stuff Of The Week. Congrats, and good luck in the voting!!
AdventureDad said,
August 8, 2007 @ 12:29 am
I really like your attitude. Of course kids should be included in everything we do. A good friend of mine who is 45 has a 35 year old sister with Downs syndrome. As you know, kids with Downs don’t always act “appropriate”. But being around her is awesome and she’s always the bright light wherever we go. Always dancing, smiling, and having fun. People do look at times but when they see the good attitudes she brings out in people, they just smile.
Even though I’m all for bringing the kids everywhere I do think all places aren’t suitable. Not because someone is different, simply because it’s not a good idea. I would for example not bring my colic baby to the library, a fine restaurant, or mass at church. Regardless of peoples opinions, supportive or not, I think it would cause too much disruption. But those instances or feeling restricted are very rare and not inconvenience IMHO.
AD
beagoodmom said,
August 8, 2007 @ 9:01 am
AD, I agree with you. We do have boundaries for Pookie. If he starts an echolalia bender at the movies, we take him into the lobby and try to explain that some places are for loud and some places are for quiet. We do our best at the library too…thats a tough one for us, because our library has a children’s area where loud voices are expected. Its sometimes hard to explain to any kid where the imaginary line is between the loud childrens area and the quiet common area. But, I think you and I both agree, that the point is that no child can learn how to behave in these situations unless we give them the opportunity to practice. I am particularly proud of how my kids usually behave. Check out this post http://www.beagooddad.com/415/5-tips-for-eating-at-fine-dining-establishments-with-children/ ) were I brag about how well my kids (and cousin T-man) did at a fancy-schmancy restaurant. And I have no idea how they learned to do it, other than that they must have been practicing all along.
Venomous Kate said,
August 8, 2007 @ 5:07 pm
Brava to you!
Meanwhile, consider stocking up on a couple dozen very cheap vibrators and handing them out to all those women who give you nasty looks over Pookie. Chances are they just need a few good minutes in their own lives to return to minding their damn business.
I am now going to send you to someone else’s blog — Be A Good Dad said,
September 25, 2007 @ 10:01 am
[…] people we know (but rarely see) walk up and say stuff like “How is your autistic son?” Stuff like that is likely to get you judo chopped by BeAGoodMom. We have a son. He does a lot of really interesting things. Did you know he likes to practice […]
Todd McGee said,
September 25, 2007 @ 4:54 pm
I coach a soccer team of 9 children who are 4 or 5 years old. Let me describe yesterday’s practice.
Michaela like to pick flowers and is frequently found wandering off the field in search of pretties. Ryan has a compulsion to kick every cone on the field and is usually found chasing after the ball he just kicked 30 yards away. Nate hits people when the coach isn’t listening. Sean likes to play “Blob Tag” and spent yesterday examining the cleat marks on the field from where it rained last weekend. Maggie is careful and shy and cannot run with the ball, that might result in the ball getting too far ahead of her. Jack loves to kick goals and sit down in the center of the circle when we talk. Savannah doesn’t talk much but loves to push for the ball and is very athletic. Joey is good tempered and funny, always smiling but sometimes shy when it comes to challenge for the ball. Holton has a hard time listening when the coach is talking and but loves to play red light/green light with the ball.
Now let me ask you this. Which one of these kids is perfectly behaved at soccer practice? And which one happens to have autism? (hint, it’s one of the boys)
All kids misbehave. All kids have accidents. All kids have something they do great and some things that are hard for them. And God made them all to be special, beautiful and just perfect the way they are. The only labels those kids need is that they are a unique and wonderful person, different from everyone else, just perfect the way they are.
Nice post, keep up the good work with Pookie.
Be A Good Mom » We don't owe you an explanation, so don't expect one. said,
November 8, 2007 @ 5:06 am
[…] I get it. I do. But I do not agree with it. First of all, its very passive-aggresive. If there is a situation in which Pookie (or any of my kids) hurts someone, damages property or something equally serious, I (we) will talk to that person directly and apologize. If you have the nerve to be offended by my child, pass judgment and then actually confront me with what you think are his “issues”, then you had better have the nerve to hear me out when I answer back. (don’t believe me? see this post.) […]