Be A Good Mom

Ok, you probably know who it was.  It was Pookie.  But here’s why its significant….it was his idea!

Remember what I said before about prompting?  Well that applies to poop too.  We usually ask him if he has to poop, and sometimes he does.  Well, today he ran into the bathroom all by himself and did it. 

He did it a few times over the weekend too…but he also had an accident on Saturday.  But right now, our percentage “in” is greater than our percentage “out” so we are very happy.  Especially because lately its been his idea to go.   

I was thinking recently about how often I used to write about potty training, and that I have not had much to say on the topic lately. So, I thought I would write an update and close the book on the topic. I get a bit of search engine traffic on the subject, for both NT children and autistic.

First, let me say that I was feeling proud of myself (and BAGD) for potty-training Pookie. Its not easy to potty train a boy with autism. But, then I realized that we were facilitators, at best. Pookie did all the hard work. And we are proud of him, not ourselves. It took alot longer but now that we are through most of it we can step back and look at the process with the correct perspective. I cannot say that this will be true for all kids (NT or Special Needs) but Pookie went through the same stages as most kids do.

• Oblivion- not even noticing when he peed or pooped
• Mild Interest- watching the pee run down his leg, but not doing anything about it.
• Anger- resenting the fact that this was going to be something he had to deal with eventually.
• Vulnerable Success- if all factors were aligned (if he was naked, if we were within 15 feet of a potty, if parents are paying attention, etc) he would pee in the potty.
• Stretching his Wings- our first “outside the house” pee!. But also many accidents (see Oblivion and Mild Interest)
• Independent Peeing- we saw him run to the bathroom (at home or Grandma’s) on his own, with no advice or coaching from us.
• Leaving the Pull-ups Behind- he refused to wear a Pull-up at night.
• Lazy Relapse- he had several accidents when he was “too busy” to go to the bathroom.
• Poop is different- it became evident that we would have to start all over with poop, but now that he was pee-trained, it should be easier. So far, Poop has followed this same pattern, just start at the top and read thru again.

So, where is Pookie now? He is in the lazy relapse stage, for poop. We consider Pookie to be 100% pee-trained. He is only about 60% poop-trained. But making real progress. We still have a few hurdles to clear. He still rarely announces that he has to go, other than at home. He has been wearing underwear everywhere for 5 months. He has had 2 accidents at school and one on the bus riding home. One accident at school happened on the playground, a time when he was not near enough to a bathroom. While alot of kids would just ask to go inside, Pookie is still working on that part of language and social interaction. It just does not occur to him.

I know how frustrating potty training is. BAGD and I saw both ends of the spectrum. Geetle potty trained in less than a week, day and night. 0% to 100%, no kidding. Pookie took alot longer. Sure, some of that was due to his autism, some was due to the difference between boys and girls, and some was just due to his personality. As a parent, just remember to keep your spirits up, look for small victories, be consistent and don’t fear failure. Its just pee and poop. The staff at IHOP would rather help clean up after your preschooler than some drunk college kid who left the same problem behind. Its all washable.

If you come to this post after searching for “potty training advice” or “potty training autism”, like I expect, then I welcome you. I searched the same thing a year ago. I did not find a magic bullet, but I did find encouraging stories and tips to try. I hope you find Geetle and Pookie’s story to be the same for you. Please see my Potty Training- Archive for a blow by blow history of how Pookie got to this point.

Tonight, we needed to go to the grocery store after school.  When Pookie got home, we asked him if he wanted to go.  It was sort of a loaded question,  because we needed him to say yes.  I did not want to stay home, because I have cabin fever and am trying to walk the baby out.  So, it was pretty inconvenient when he said “No, no go to the grocery store.”  I asked him again, rephrasing the question.  “Do you want to go to the store or stay home?”  “Stay home” he replied.  Drat.  Smart boy, actually understood the question.  So, I kept messing with him, asking if he wanted to stay home with me or go with Dad.  “Stay home with Momma” he replied.   But, I did not want to stay home with him, I need to get out!  Ok, one last time…”Pookie are you a boy who goes to the grocery store or a party-pooper?”  His reply?

“No, no pooping at the party.”  That’s right, poop goes in the potty.  He hears that at least once a day, so he would know.

Tonite while getting ready for bed, Pookie had to pee. It was a real “Austin Powers” moment, if you know what I mean. He took forever. He would turn it on, turn it off, wait a few seconds and then turn it back on again. Several times. Geetle was patiently waiting her turn to pee. When he was finally done, she reminded him that he needed to “wag it”. BAGD and I snickered a bit, so she clarified. Boys are supposed to “wag it” when they are done. Its like wiping. She knows because she saw daddy do it.

Elimination Communication.

I have heard of this early potty training thing before. At the time, my main thought was that it must only work for people who are NEVER separated from their baby for any length of time.

Now, I am almost 8 months pregnant. We have 90% potty trained our son, who has autism. It was the biggest challenge we have overcome to date and we still have just a bit more road to travel.  I also still have to remind our NT (neurotypical- the cool buzz word that parents of autistic children use for non-autistic children) daughter to go before we leave the house and the store. Personally….I can’t wait for the diapers. Oh the freedom! You have to pee? Well, go right ahead. That’s why I put a diaper on ya! When Pookie or Geetle has to go, we GO! We abandon our grocery cart in the frozen foods aisle, we do a Dukes of Hazard move to pull into the nearest highway gas station, we skip to the head of lines. Their bladder control is good, but its not time to test it yet.

So, when the baby comes, I can let her pee anywhere, anytime she wants! I can’t wait!

Did I ever mention that Pookie has done most of his potty-training using this:

Its called the Peter Potty and you can get it at Leaps and Bounds for $40. Ours was a gift from Uncle Ben. We thought it was funny at the time, but now, its a big part of Pookie’s potty training. He does much better standing up than sitting down. And the portability of this thing is great. We used to haul it from room to room, so it was right there when he needed it. Now we use it in the basement, which does not have its own regular toilet. We have caught him trying to sit in it, but we tell him to go find the “pooping potty” when that happens.

I don’t know why it worked….or how Uncle Ben ever heard about it, since he has no kids. But I am grateful that Pookie took to it so well. Maybe the act of standing up makes more sense in his head and he feels more in control of the act. Maybe he likes the speed of stand-peeing, rather than sit-peeing. Maybe he likes that Geetle can’t use it. I really do not know. I also do not know if it would work for every boy, but it sure did for Pookie.

Sorry if I am talking too much about potty training recently, but it is a huge topic for us at home. And I know what its like to search on the internet for “autism potty training tips” or “how to potty train a special needs child” so I want to post these things, in case they are someone else’s silver bullet.

Pookie is very good at #1 at home. He is getting better when we are away from home. Our next hurdle with pee is to eliminate the verbal prompts. He pretty much goes when we tell him too. He has not yet figured out a way to tell us when he has to go.

Poop is harder. He misses alot of poops at home. He knows they’re coming but tries to keep them in. We see him walk funny or let out a warning shot. We make him sit on the potty, but he won’t poop. Even though he appears to be trying (pushing on his stomach, bouncing up and down) nothing happens. Then we let him up and he will poop in his underwear 15 minutes later.

Today, I was in the kitchen and the basement door flew open. Pookie struggled through the doorframe, walking funny, half naked, heading for the bathroom. Sure enough, I see the tell-tale signs of a pending poop. I help him up on the potty, because he is tightly clenched. I give him a book to look at. Soon Geetle arrives with her own book and sits down on the stepstool in front of him. They read together for 10 minutes, Pookie occasionally bouncing up and down or looking between his legs to see what is happening. Finally, he tells me “no poop” and wants to leave. I let him.

In the end, all he did was discharge the poop that I saw hanging on as he rounded the corner to the bathroom. So, was this a victory or a failure? Was this like all the other times where he will poop on the floor or in his underwear 15 minutes from now? Technically, he did not really poop in the potty…it just fell off. As I am considering, I look down the basement stairs and see his shorts on one step and his underwear on another. I decide this is a victory.

1. He felt it coming.

2. He headed for the nearest bathroom.

3. He knew what he had to do, so he took off his shorts and underwear….right on the stairs leading to the bathroom.

4. He kept looking to see if anything had come out.

So, I gave him his 2 M&Ms.

The other night, I was sleeping peacefully when I was awakened by a cold body pinned up against my back. Vaguely aware that it could not be BAGD (he is generally pretty warm to the touch), I rolled over to investigate. There lay a naked and ice-cold Pookie. I woke up BAGD, who took the boy back to his bedroom, dressed him and put him to bed. The next morning, we started to piece together what had happened.

Pookie is working very hard on his potty-training. He is doing very well. He wants to wear underwear to bed now, so we let him. He wakes up dry most mornings, but he has not mastered the middle of the night wake-up-to-pee. On this particular night, it appears that Pookie had to pee, woke up, went downstairs ( even though we have a bathroom with a night light right upstairs), got distracted by the toys in the library and wet the floor. Then figuring the whole night was a loss, he went downstairs to the basement, where he took off his wet pajamas and spent a few hours playing in the toyroom. Eventually getting very cold, being naked and in our over-air conditioned basement, he came upstairs to our room for help. Seeing that we were asleep, he crawled in between us, rolling into a cold naked ball pressed against my shoulder blades.

Strange enough. But then it happened a few nights later. This time, he seemed to know where he was going, because he turned on all the lights between the top floor and the basement. I woke up at 3am, sensing that the hallway light was on. Sure enough, I found him in the basement, naked again. Wet pajamas on the floor. It is not easy to make Pookie understand the error of his ways in situations like this. It does no good to tell him he was naughty a few hours ago. You pretty much have to catch him in the act or use alot of repetition, or he does not understand. Plus, how do you discipline a boy who got on the wrong path because he woke up in the middle of the night having to pee, but did not know how to take care of it alone? (see my post on Joint Attention skills, pointing. Pookie is still learning how to get our attention.)

This morning at 4:30 am, I woke up when Pookie climbed in bed with us again. He was dry, and clothed. He seemed snuggly and it was nearly morning, so I let him stay. I dozed off, then noticed he was gone again. A very short time later (not sure how l0ng, since I was not facing the clock and rolling over is a chore for me this days), he wandered into our bedroom again, pausing in the doorway. BAGD saw him and said “Pookie, go pee.” He walked into the bathroom, peed, and returned to his bed.

Strange. I am not sure what to make of it. I hope it means he figured something out this morning, namely that he can wake up, pee and go back to bed. I do not think he would have ended up naked in the basement those other 2 times, if only he had made it to the bathroom. I think that once he wet his pants, he figured he was up and could go play. But really, I don’t know. Its really the strangest potty thing we have seen yet. We are considering our options, but have decided to see if it continues to happen.

That’s right, Pookie and I are taking it up a notch.  Like any new potty-trainer, he sometimes takes the lazy route and “accidentally” pees on the floor when it’s too much work to run to the bathroom.  Well, I am on to it and Mommy don’t play that game.

He knows he gets M&Ms if he pees in the potty.  Now its time to learn what you DON’T get if you DON’T pee in the potty,  BAGD takes away whatever he was playing with or doing when the laziness struck.  I do the same, but I also choose to remind him that he missed an opportunity for M&Ms.   That means I give him the M&Ms and then take them away.  That may sound cruel, but Pookie only gets the really concrete stuff in life.  That’s part of autism.  He yelled at me the first few times, sure.  But now, when it happens and I try to give him the M&Ms, he won’t take them, because he knows I am just going to snatch them away again.   So, I think that means the gets it.  He will even say “No M&Ms.  Pee in the underwear.”

I’m proud of him, because he is getting it.  I will be even prouder when he gets past this phase.  But, it is just a phase.  All new potty-trainers go through it.  It has nothing to do with autism.   I remind myself of that every day.  I also remind Pookie of that.   Autism is not a free ticket out of all responsibilities in life.   It means somethings require modification.  We treat him easier on some points, sure.  But we also treat him harder on others.   That’s life…life with autism and life without.

He said he wanted to wear underwear to bed last night.  I almost pushed for a pull-up, but thought “What’s the big deal?  Its just a wet sheet/bedliner to wash tomorrow.  Its probably time to change his sheets anyway.”

Then I heard someone get up at 6am and pee the longest pee I have heard in a long time.  When I got up at 7am, I checked his bed….dry.  I found him playing in the basement…wearing dry underwear.

I guess the boy does know what he’s doing.  Sure, I doubted him, but I was able to let him make his own decision in the end.  Next time I will trust him right off the bat.

When I was sick as a little girl, my Mom used to say “Only you know how you feel.  If you are too sick to go to school, then you should stay home.”   Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t.  But I usually made the call myself.  Instead of growing up into a slacker, I grew up into the complete opposite.  I would have to XDR TB before I would stay home now.   I guess the lesson here is, when the kid is ready, have them take ownership of their decisions.  If they have skin in the game, they will do better and ultimately make better decisions.

 **update**

So, today Pookie and Geetle are spending the day with Mamaw and Papaw, goofing off.  Mamaw follows our rules, when she is on the clock she is the babysitter, not the Grandma.  But sometimes, if there is a little bit of ocassional leeway on a rule, we let Pookie take it with her, not with us.  Its one of the perks of being “Grandma babysitter.”  For example, I did not say anything this morning as she got him ready to leave.  She asked him if he wanted to wear a pull-up today, because they had a 45 minute car ride ahead of them.  Guess what our little man said?  “No.  No pull-up.  Underwear.”  So, off they went.  I haven’t heard how the day is going…but its going on in underwear, that’s for sure.