Be A Good Mom

So, I have found my get-rich-quick scheme. Maternity clothes are everywhere; not hard to find. Great, you do need special pants, shirts and even underwear when you are pregnant. But no one (NO ONE!) sells what I really need….maternity shoes. I am going to open a store selling maternity shoes. Do you think it will be a success? Here is what I will sell:

• Aisle 1: Shoes with adjustable sides. They will go on your foot sort of like a diaper. You position your foot and then ask someone else to bring up the sides and secure.
• Aisle 2: Slippers that look like shoes. Sort of like the Robeez for babies, only in large sizes.
• Aisle 3: Foot body paint and stencil kits. When all else fails, paint on your own shoes. (I mean, get someone to paint them on for you. You know you are not bending over to do it.)

In Aisle 4 I will sell the typical accessories you find in a shoe store, but with a maternity spin These will include:

• Cooler purses for packing a snack while you are out and about
• Some sort of high-tech liquid cloth that you dip your naked foot into and when you pull it out, you are wearing a sock. I haven’t fully invented this yet, but I have a good mental picture of how it will work. Because, really, what good are slip on shoes if you have to bend over to put the socks on anyway.
• Maternity Pantyhose. This has been invented, but I am thinking the product needs a remodeling for the 21st century. I am thinking there should be a giant hole where your belly sticks out, to reduce itching and tightness caused by the pantyhose.
• “Shoe Polish” that is really a container of fudge. No pregnant woman takes the time to polish her shoes, but if we hid our fudge in the can, no one else would eat it.

Well, what do you think? Anyone want to invest in my business? I need a good name too. Any suggestions?

Do those signs really work? If so, I am getting one.

Does the rest of America routinely buy from or donate to people who randomly show up on their doorstep? I don’t. Am I the only one? Why does anyone think this is a good way to reach potential customers? Is it?

Tonight, I saw it coming. A teenager in a white shirt and tie, walking across the yard, not the sidewalk. I was going to ignore the doorbell. But of course Pookie and Geetle ran to the window which looks out on to the porch and blew my cover. I listened to the intro monologue….only because they never give you a chance to butt in. When I gave my standard answer, “I don’t buy anything door-to-door,” he rolled his eyes, spun on his heel and headed across my yard to the neighbors house. No good bye, no thank you for your time. No nothing. Gee. Wonder why I don’t like these guys?

By the way, part of his speech was to tell me that he was a young man trying to keep away from the negative influences which had plagued his life previously. It was like that scene from Office Space where the door-to-door magazine salesman says he is trying to stay off drugs and could they buy a subscription. When they ask him, since he used to run in dangerous circles, can they introduce him to a money launderer. He confesses and says he is really an unemployed software engineer.

I am firm on my “no-door-to-door sales” rule. I have a heart and sometimes I do feel bad, but I have to remain strong if I am ever going to convince the world that this is NOT a viable sales technique. I gave apple juice boxes to the two Latter Day Saints boys who wanted to give me a free video about JC. It was hot that day and I know that they are out pounding the pavement for something they believe in. I almost crumbled one day last week when a burly teenager from the local high school football team tried to sell me a “Local Values” coupon book. There were no good coupons in it, and technically (since we live near the border between 2 school districts) he was not even from the school district we live in. But after I said “No,” he glanced towards the trunk of my minivan and asked if I needed any help carrying all that stuff inside. He almost got me, due to the politeness.

I need to teach the kids to hit the floor and lay still when a solicitor rings the bell. Its ironic that my kids are both the reason why I am uncomfortable opening the door to strangers and the very people who usually blow my cover.

**update** I wrote this post and then a few more.  Before I got up from the computer, ANOTHER one rang my bell!  No lie!  This was a student from the Czech Republic selling educational books.  I guess he was really from the Czech Republic, he did have an accent.  But does he now think that this is how we do it the USA?  And I do not care if he knows my neighbors names.  He told me he had just spoke to Christy down the street.  Big Whoop.  Does that mean its not a scam?   Before he left he asked me to point out which houses had young kids who might like these books.  I, of course, lied and said the Mom next door works nights and he should not ring her bell during the day.  And I said the other house next door was an older couple…thank goodness they had their garage door closed so no one could actually see the 5 bikes and scooters that are usually littering their driveway.   I guess that means Christy pointed me out.  Huh.  Well, I might have to have a word with her.   When I go down to see her, I can take the poop her dog left in my yard.  He has probably been wondering where he left it.  He’s a little dog, that was like 25% of his body weight.

Geetle knows what a blog is. I asked her if she wanted to write on my blog. She said yes and this is what she told me to type:

“Once upon a time Pookie and Geetle were riding at a Bee Festival and we were the only ones. And then, I think that was it Mom. And I think that’s all. That was a fun day.”

I am pregnant.  I have to go to the bathroom alot.  Plain and simple.

There is nothing more annoying than peeing, leaving the bathroom and having to go again in 5 minutes.  Well maybe one thing is more annoying….knowing that you don’t really have to go again, it just feels that way when you know for a fact that the amount of urine in question is about 1 1/2 tablespoons, yet it feels like a gallon.  So, back into the bathroom you go, in order to discharge that tablespoon of liquid.  AAGGHH!

So, if this has happened to you, I offer some advice.  Advice that really works.  Ready?   Here it is……….lean into it.  That’s right.  Everytime you pee, when you are “done”, spread your knees and lean forward as far as you can.  Whatever is left will come out, thereby limiting your return trips to the bathroom.  TaDa!

By the way, this trick also works when you blow your nose.  Always bend forward at the waist when you blow your nose.  You will get a much more efficient blow. 

He said he wanted to wear underwear to bed last night.  I almost pushed for a pull-up, but thought “What’s the big deal?  Its just a wet sheet/bedliner to wash tomorrow.  Its probably time to change his sheets anyway.”

Then I heard someone get up at 6am and pee the longest pee I have heard in a long time.  When I got up at 7am, I checked his bed….dry.  I found him playing in the basement…wearing dry underwear.

I guess the boy does know what he’s doing.  Sure, I doubted him, but I was able to let him make his own decision in the end.  Next time I will trust him right off the bat.

When I was sick as a little girl, my Mom used to say “Only you know how you feel.  If you are too sick to go to school, then you should stay home.”   Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t.  But I usually made the call myself.  Instead of growing up into a slacker, I grew up into the complete opposite.  I would have to XDR TB before I would stay home now.   I guess the lesson here is, when the kid is ready, have them take ownership of their decisions.  If they have skin in the game, they will do better and ultimately make better decisions.

 **update**

So, today Pookie and Geetle are spending the day with Mamaw and Papaw, goofing off.  Mamaw follows our rules, when she is on the clock she is the babysitter, not the Grandma.  But sometimes, if there is a little bit of ocassional leeway on a rule, we let Pookie take it with her, not with us.  Its one of the perks of being “Grandma babysitter.”  For example, I did not say anything this morning as she got him ready to leave.  She asked him if he wanted to wear a pull-up today, because they had a 45 minute car ride ahead of them.  Guess what our little man said?  “No.  No pull-up.  Underwear.”  So, off they went.  I haven’t heard how the day is going…but its going on in underwear, that’s for sure. 

Geetle has decide to throw Winnie a Birthday Party. Its July 24th, at 6pm. We made invitations and she addressed them. You can see below, that this one was supposed to go to Mamaw, but then we found out she could not come and that we had never invited Winnie herself! Geetle ran right downstairs to tape this to Winnie’s cage.

Once we cleared that up, Geetle started making a paper chain for decorations. It is about 4 feet long right now. She also has a plan for cupcakes, balloons and party hats. We talk about it every day and she continues to make plans. She is very excited.

Although our life is busy enough without planning an elaborate rodent birthday celebration, we understand how important this is for Geetle. She is in charge and is taking it very seriously. She told us that we must show our invitation to get into the party and she has picked out a pink sand bucket for each person to drop their invitation into when they arrive.

Its cute. But we also know that she is learning something about caring for others (even if it is just a hamster) and following through on plans that you make. We are looking forward to the party, we will post some pictures. Maybe Geetle will do the captions.

BAGD went to a Bachelor Party tonight.

I know what goes on at parties like that.  So I told him the number one rule.  Absolutely…Positively…no guns!

That’s right, the thing that worries me most is that the gaggle of boys in question likes to spend Sunday afternoons shooting skeet and tin cans on a fence.  But then I heard that the party was going to involve go-karts and Transformers instead.   Oh, I guess there is a plan to check out a local Nudie Club, but that does not worry me.  I am more worried that BAGD will like the movie so much that he forces me to go see it with him again.

That man needs to pick up some really bad habits, so I have something to cluck about with my friends.   I would be surprised if he has more than 1 beer tonite.  I also know he would not touch the guns (have you read his post on fireworks?  I also know that one of the reasons he chose the Chair Force, I mean Air Force, 10 years ago is that they don’t put much emphasis on weapons.)    I also know that his Nudie Bar days are well-behind him (College and the military…alot has changed since then.)    I am more concerned about his expensive habit of buying internet domains and his collection of blogs than I am about him oogling some pretty girl tonight.

But I am going to sleep in the middle of the bed tonite.  That’s what you get for staying out so late and leaving me to pick up all that spaghetti under the dining room table.  Just try to move me.  I weigh a ton.    HaHaHa.

Do you think that if I served it like this, my kids would eat broccoli?

Do you ever give funny names to foods, to encourage your kids to eat them?

Pookie does not like Bratwurst, but he loves “Football Hotdogs” , so named because Daddy eats them at the football games.

Neither kid likes Baked Sweet Potato Slices, but they love “Orange French Fries.”

Prunes are yucky, but gosh how they love those “Giant Raisins.”

Hard Boiled Eggs are also yucky, but not when you call them “Easter Eggs.”

Boca Burgers go down easier when called “Krabby Patties.”

Breaded Chicken Cutlets are just plain funny when you call them Chicken Boogers (”burgers”). Everyone gets the joke and is so busy laughing, they forget to complain.

I tried the Broccoli as “Little Green Trees” one, but no one fell for it. That surprised me. Know of any other good ones?